Oregon Trail
by Leftomaniac
Summary: THIS IS NOT MY IDEA! RizCirZamMir came up with it, I'm just copying it! Just because it's unoriginal dosen't mean it's not enjoyable:c) I actually think it turned out really funny.


I know I mentioned this, but I can't stress enough the fact that this is RizCirZamMir's idea! YOU HEAR ME???? She posted a similar fic FIRST on the Jhonen Vasquez board, it's really good and I suggest you read it also. I DON'T wanna be evil and take credit for someone else's idea, I'm evil enough as is, writing a whole new fic when I need to put new chapters up on EVIL BUTT MARTIANS DIE DIE DIE NOW, Don't Timetravel With a Pacemaker, and It Had to Happen Eventually. Yes, I WILL be adding a new chapter to It Had to Happen Eventually, give me time peoples! By the way, you have NO idea how hard it was to not turn this into an angst fic. I wanted to hold on to SOME small illusion of originality.  
  
This is also a crossover, AND SI. I go Oregon Trail-ing with Zim, Nny, Squee, and Dib.   
  
I own nada, Oregon Trail belongs to MECC. IZ, JTHM and Squee! Belong to Jhonen, and the Oregon belongs to all the Oragamis in it.   
  
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April 1, 1848 We started down the trail with:   
  
4 oxen 5 sets of clothing 2000 bullets 2 wagon wheels 2 wagon axles 1 wagon tongue 100 pounds of food  
  
I can't believe Zim's Voot Runner broke down. Now we'll have to use this stupid wagon. Squee is scared Zim's gonna use his butt for stuff.   
  
April 2, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. We'd probably do better with Nny's help, but he refuses to use a gun.  
  
April 3, 1848 An ox is sick. Zim is horribly distraught. Who knew?  
  
April 4, 1848 We shot 1 pound of meat. Dib's gonna try to convince Nny to come next time, we really need the supplies.  
  
April 5, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Squee says he saw a monster in the fog. Dib thinks it's bigfoot, and he set a trap for it. Nny caught his foot in it. Dib's hiding.  
  
April 8, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Squee thinks the monster is gonna come back for him. Nny told him a story to cheer him up. Awww, how sweet. Squee is huddling in a corner now.  
  
April 10, 1848 Nny is tired of eating grass, so he finally agreed to help us hunt. He shot 1641 pounds of meat but we were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. *I* sure wasn't gonna be the one to take the gun away from him! Nny has the measles. We decided to rest for 5 days, give him some time to heal.  
  
April 20, 1848 Today, Nny stapled two of the oxen together. I think he's well again.  
  
April 23, 1848 Squee was lost for 3 days. Poor Squee! When we found him he was being chased by a giant chipmunk.   
  
April 26, 1848 We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. Zim is freaking out, and Dib is suggesting we try to ford the river. Not on your life, Dib!  
  
April 27, 1848 We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Dib tried to push Zim in, and Squee was grabbed by a giant tentecle, but no one was hurt.  
  
April 28, 1848 Dib got lost. We found Dib unharmed 5 days later, and harmed him.  
  
May 2, 1848 Nny shot 1860 pounds of meat but we were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. When he ran out of bullets, he started stabbing them to death. I would have bet ANYTHING he couldn't outrun an antelope. Shows what I know.  
  
May 5, 1848 No water. Zim was happy until I explained we needed it to live.  
  
May 6, 1848 No grass for the oxen. Poor widdle oxen!  
  
May 7, 1848 We have arrived at the Big Blue River Crossing. Zim is complaining about the number of rivers on this planet. Nny promises to protect Squee from the sea monsters. Squee is hiding behind the spare wagon wheel.  
  
May 8, 1848 We had no trouble floating the wagon across. Dib tried to push Zim in again, and ended up falling in himself. I tried hard not to laugh, I swear! A thief stole 4 sets of clothing. Nny started ranting about lack of respect and greed for usless materials. We're all wisely keeping our distance.   
  
May 11, 1848 Nny shot 2633 pounds of meat but we were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Some enviromentalists are reportedly burning an effigy of us. Yay!  
  
Later, Nny fell into one of his angry screaming rants. We had a nice long talk, and now I have a huge gash in my arm. He seems to feel better though. Yay!  
  
May 12, 1848 We found some wild fruit, and my arm has healed, thanks to some weird purple liquid of Zim's. He said he only did it because he was sick of looking at my 'Disgusting human insides." Dib is furious with me for accepting it, he seems to think it's some kind of plan to make things burst out of my chest. Everything is as it should be.  
  
May 13, 1848 We have reached Fort Kearney. The people here are so boring, all the do is complain about the weather, or the mosquitos. One guy jokingly accused Nny of being a giant mosquito. There were no survivors.  
  
May 14, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. I'm getting pretty sick of being woken up every night by Squee's screams of terror.  
  
May 17, 1848 We took the wrong trail, got attacked by some hideious rat people, and lost 3 days.  
  
May 19, 1848 We found some wild fruit. Zim tried a peice and convulsed. Dib's still laughing. Poor Zim! We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
May 21, 1848 Bad water. We took the wrong trail and lost 4 days. Zim's working on a navigational system for the wagon to prevent this from happening again.  
  
May 23, 1848 Rainstorm. Fortunaley, we remembered to pick up a bottle of paste at Fort Kearney.  
  
May 25, 1848 Nny shot 1927 pounds of meat, not counting that squirrel he stepped on, but we were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.   
  
May 27, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Nny found an odd-shaped stick and has been talking to it all day. We lost 24 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
May 28, 1848 No water. Nny threw the stick in the campfire tonight. He says he dosen't want to talk about it. May 29, 1848 Nny has the measles, the buffalo can all breathe a little easier. We decided to rest for 7 days.  
  
May 30, 1848 Dib has a fever. Stupid Dib.  
  
June 5, 1848 Zim and I went hunting. We shot 109 pounds of meat. I did all the hunting actually, Zim didn't want to join because it wasn't a 'fair fight'  
  
June 6, 1848 Zim has dysentery. Noooooo!   
  
June 8, 1848 Nny is well again. Hooray! Things were getting too dull around here. Nothing like a homocidal maniac to liven things up. I sure hope Zimmy recovers soon... We lost 13 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
June 9, 1848 Dib is well again. Notice I said Dib, not Zim. Poopie.  
  
June 16, 1848 Hooray!!!!!! Zim is well again!!! No pitiful hyyyuman illness can fell an Irken Invader!!!  
  
June 17, 1848 We found some wild fruit. It somehow attacked Squee. Nny stepped on it.  
  
June 21, 1848 We found some more wild fruit, this time we shot it, then burned it, then buried it. You can NEVER be too careful.  
  
June 25, 1848 We found some wild fruit. Dib thinks the fruit is following us. He built some sort of fruit detector, but Nny got mad at it and beat it with a shoe.  
  
June 29, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Nny showed us all some Happy Noodle Boy comics to pass the time. Please kill me.  
  
June 30, 1848 We have reached Chimney Rock. Dib tried to convice some of the people there that Zim is an alien. They didn't believe him, but they did seem to think Dib was a witch. We left very quickly.  
  
July 1, 1848 An ox stepped on Zim's navigational system. We lost the trail for 1 day.   
  
July 3, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. POOOOPIEEE!!!!!!! We lost 19 pounds of food due to spoilage.  
  
July 5, 1848 We lost 14 pounds of food due to spoilage. Fer cryin' out loud... We have reached Fort Laramie. It's actually kinda nice here. We decided to rest for 3 days, recuperate a little.  
  
July 7, 1848 The people here are begging us to leave. They say I'm horribly physcologically scarring the children, that Zim and Dib have unintentionaly exploded thousands of dollars in property during their many battles, that Nny has intentionaly killed some of their best, rudest men, and that ever since Squee's gotten here, the number of monster attacks has gone up 1200%. It's so nice to be making a good impression on people!  
  
July 10, 1848 There's nothing but squirrels here, so Nny only shot 9 pounds of meat. We lost 5 pounds of food due to spoilage. A thief stole 52 pounds of food. We have NONE left!!!!!! Nny is ranting about inconsiderate people, and Zim is talking about how when he's Lord of all Humans he'll track that jerk down and make him paaaaay.  
  
July 11, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. We traded 15 bullets for 5 pounds of food. I say we got ripped off.  
  
July 15, 1848 Nny shot 2 pounds of meat. 2 POUNDS! For the love of cheese...  
  
July 17, 1848 Nny shot 74 pounds of meat. We all picked him up and carried him around on our shoulders. He must weigh, like, seven pounds. I can only IMAGINE how funny we looked. Bad water. No grass for the oxen. Dib has cholera. Must be from that bad water. We decided to rest for 3 days.  
  
July 21, 1848 Dib died of measles. But he had cholera, not measles! We're all pretty sad about it. Surprisingly, Zim seems the saddest of all. [^_^ Awwww] We all got over it instantly, to prevent this from becoming all angsty.  
  
July 22, 1848 Zim has cholera. Nooooooo!!!! Damn you Oregon Trail!!! So much for not getting angsty. We decided to rest for 7 days.  
  
July 25, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. We traded 1 wagon tongue and 58 bullets for 71 pounds of food. Sheesh!  
  
July 28, 1848 Nny shot 1 pound of meat. Double sheesh! We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
August 1, 1848 We traded 75 bullets for 20 pounds of food. We traded 68 bullets for 20 pounds of food. We traded 50 bullets for 20 pounds of food. We traded 42 bullets for 20 pounds of food. Sheesh, sheesh sheesh and sheesh! Maybe I'll just stop eating!  
  
August 2, 1848 My little Invader is well again! Yaaaaaaaaaaay! Thank Jhonen!  
  
August 4, 1848 Nny shot 26 pounds of meat. Good for him! We lost 2 pounds of food due to spoilage. Poopie!  
  
August 7, 1848 We found some wild fruit. This time, we aren't going to run in terror from it. Squee is sick with typhoid fever. Awwww, my poor lil Squeegee! Shmee will keep you company, and I'm sure Nny will do all he can to make you feel better. (I'll send him out hunting Squee, relax.) We decided to rest for 7 days.  
  
August 9, 1848 Nny shot a couple of squirrels. I think we'd better trade for food. We traded 91 bullets for 30 pounds of food. Good thing we bought tons and tons of bullets before leaving. We also traded 1 wagon axle for 30 pounds of food.  
  
August 14, 1848 We decided to rest for 3 days.  
  
August 16, 1848 We found some wild fruit.  
  
August 17, 1848 Squee is well again. Awriiiiiight!  
  
August 19, 1848 We traded 132 bullets for 50 pounds of food.  
  
August 20, 1848 We will now travel at a more grueling pace.  
  
August 24, 1848 Squee is suffering from exhaustion. Must be those nightmares, keeping him awake. We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
August 25, 1848 Nny shot 4 geese and a squirrel. He's really gotten good with that gun.  
  
August 31, 1848 We decided to rest for 3 days.  
  
September 1, 1848 Squee is well again. Hip Hip Horaaaay! We traded 95 bullets for 40 pounds of food.  
  
September 6, 1848 We traded 1 wagon wheel for 40 pounds of food.  
  
September 7, 1848 Bad water.  
  
September 8, 1848 Bad water.   
  
September 8, 1848 Redundancy.  
  
September 9, 1848 Nny shot 100 pounds of meat! NEVER underestimate the advantages of having a homicidal maniac in your wagon train! No grass for the oxen.  
  
September 11, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Nny stabbed one of us in the head. Fortunatly it was Shmee. I sewed him up. Noooooooo! Zim has a fever. I wonder how he keeps contracting human viruses. We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
September 16, 1848 Nny has cholera. We decided to rest for 5 more days.  
  
September 18, 1848 We traded 82 bullets for 40 pounds of food. For once, I think that was pretty fair. We traded 1 wagon wheel for 40 pounds of food.  
  
September 20, 1848 Zim is well again, yippie dippy doo! I do happy dance!  
  
September 27, 1848 Nny is well again. Physically well anyway. I double happy!  
  
September 28, 1848 Nny is suffering from exhaustion. Must be all that hunting. We decided to rest for 3 days. We traded 1 ox for 90 pounds of food. Bye bye oxey! I loveded you oxey, I loveded yoooou!  
  
Zim has just informed me that I am out of my mind. He liiiikes me, he really liiiiikes me!  
  
October 2, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. Not a single animal showed up! We decided to rest for 3 days.  
  
October 5, 1848 We shot 48 pounds of meat, even without Nny! I feel so special.  
  
October 7, 1848 We think Nny is well again, though it's really hard to tell sometimes:c)  
  
October 9, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Poopy-poopy-poop-poop!  
  
October 11, 1848 Nny shot a bird, a squirrel, and a tumblweed. No grass for the oxen. We traded 27 bullets for 11 pounds of food.  
  
October 17, 1848 We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed. We traded 91 bullets for 40 pounds of food. No grass for the oxen.  
  
October 19, 1848 Woohoo! Nny shot 148 pounds of meat!  
  
October 20, 1848 An ox died. Zim was heartbroken, and he insisted we give it a 'warrior's burial' We obliged. Zim said a few words in Irken and then disintigrated the ox's body.  
  
October 22, 1848 We have reached Independence Rock. Zim remarked how weird it was to be near a water sorce without Dib to tease him. Nny tried to cheer Zim up by pushing him in the river. The scary thing is, I think it worked. A moose attacked Squee. Where did that moose come from? Squee is suffering from exhaustion, he was running from that moose preeeety fast. We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
October 23, 1848 Good 'ol Nny shot 119 pounds of meat.  
  
October 25, 1848 Zim is sick with typhoid fever. Stop getting sick people! Is that so hard?  
  
October 29, 1848 Squee is well again, despite Nny's bedtime stories! Squee has a fever. THE SAME FREAKING DAY??? Oh, Squee, why must life plauge you with doomyness? We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
November 3, 1848 Zim is well again. Mwah ha ha ha ha!  
  
November 4, 1848 Nny shot 473 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Happy days! We decided to rest for 3 days.  
  
November 9, 1848 Squee is well again. Yaaaay! November 12, 1848 Dust storm. Lost 1 day.  
  
November 14, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day.   
  
November 15, 1848 DOOM, Lost 1 day  
  
November 18, 1848 No water.  
  
November 19, 1848 Heavy fog. Lost 1 day. Zim has cholera, Geez, what's with the ilnesses? We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
November 24, 1848 We decided to rest for 2 days.  
  
November 26, 1848 Squee has a fever. Now both Nny and I are ultra-tense  
  
November 27, 1848 We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
November 28, 1848 Zim died of typhoid. No, dear Jhonen no... Why? He never hurt anyone... except Dib. And Keef. And most of the kids at skool, and that policeman and... Well, anyway WHY??? Why must it be??? My poor 'lil Zimmy...  
  
December 4, 1848 I haven't really been sleeping lately, so I've had lots of time to talk with Nny... I think I'd better get some sleep, and FAST.  
  
December 9, 1848 I've just learned that Nny knocked me unconcious three days ago because I was being really irritating. That blow to the head somehow erased my sadness about Zim because I don't want this to be angst. Squee is well again by the way.  
  
December 11, 1848 We have arrived at the South Pass. Apparently the people there have gotten a description of our wagon train, because they all ran in mortal terror. I feel famous!  
  
December 12, 1848 No grass for the oxen. Squee is suffering from exhaustion. We will now travel at a steady pace.  
  
December 15, 1848 We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
December 21, 1848 We decided to rest for 3 days.  
  
December 22, 1848 Squee is well again, Nny stopped stabbing trees.  
  
December 25, 1848 Dust storm. Lost 1 day.  
  
December 26, 1848 Dust storm. Lost 1 day. I hate dust now.  
  
December 28, 1848 No water.  
  
December 29, 1848 Bad water.  
  
December 30, 1848 Nny shot 1869 pounds of meat but we were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Pace yourself there Nny!  
  
December 31, 1848 We will now travel at a more grueling pace.  
  
January 1, 1849 Nny is sick with typhoid fever. We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
January 5, 1849 I shot 260 pounds of meat but was able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat. Squee didn't want to join, he was afriad of zombie buffalo.  
  
January 11, 1849 Nny is well again, but he's really mad at how much he slept while he was sick.  
  
January 16, 1849 Bad water.  
  
January 17, 1849 Broken wagon wheel. We didn't fix the broken wagon wheel. Now we must try to trade for one. We traded 90 pounds of food for 1 wagon wheel. Squee has a fever. We decided to rest for 7 days.  
  
January 22, 1849 Nny shot 234 pounds of meat but we were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.  
  
January 24, 1849 We decided to rest for 2 days.  
  
January 26, 1849 Squee is well and Shmee crossed paths with Nny again. I'm so glad I brought my sewing kit!  
  
January 30, 1849 Nny has cholera. OH COME ON!!!! We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
February 4, 1849 Nny got sick and died. I will truley miss him. He's exploding heads in heaven now. Squee's awful quiet, but since I am DETERMINED not to make this very angsty, he got over it, and so did I.  
  
February 6, 1849 No water.  
  
February 7, 1849 Bad water.  
  
February 8, 1849 Bad water. Squee has a fever. FOR THE LOVE OF COTTAGE CHEESE!!!!!!!! We decided to rest for 5 days.  
  
February 12, 1849 A thief stole 72 dollars. But we didn't have any money to steal!  
  
February 13, 1849 Squee got sick and died. (Swears in seven different laungages) I buried Shmee with him.  
  
February 15, 1849 An ox is sick. Good for him.  
  
February 18, 1849 I have arrived at the Green River Crossing, but I'm not going any further. Forgive me for angsting it up a teeny weeny bit, but there's no point in going on. I'm going to throw myself into the smelly, slimey wa-wa juice and drown. See ya.  
  
The river is too deep to ford. I lost: 2 oxen 324 bullets 258 pounds of food CryingChild (drowned)  
  
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! Dontcha just LOVE a happy ending? 


End file.
